Thought of the Month

Putting The Sizzle Back Into Sex

According to a recent 2008 global survey, only half of Canadians are regularly able to achieve orgasm during sex.  Of that 55 percent, Canadian women scored lower than men, with only 35 percent of women - versus 76 percent of men - frequently achieving orgasm.  As well, women often require more stimulation and time to focus on their pleasure and achieve orgasm.  This can lead to avoidance, which is one of the most common responses to an unsatisfying sex life.  However, it is not a productive one.

 

Instead, we can choose to move from a focus on performance to a focus on pleasure.  How do we do that?  By focusing on the fun in healthy sexual connnection.  Opening up a conversation with your partner about your sexual concerns and preferences can create more honesty and intimacy between the two of you.  You can set the stage for developing a more exciting and fulfilling sex life.

 

Creativity, play, and laughter are important aspects of healthy sexuality.  As adults, we often have fewer opportunities to play.  However, given the fast pace and stress that often accompanies the modern lifestyle, these opportunities are vital.  Healthy relationships are nurtured through fun and play, and this includes the sexual connection.  But, what if we are no longer feeling as aroused as we used to be by our partner?  This is a common experience, and there are a variety of options available to help us.

 

According to Barry McCarthy, there are three styles of arousal.  Partner interaction arousal is the most common style.  It focuses on partner touch and visual stimulation.  Each person "gives to get" pleasure.  The arousal of each person plays off the other person's.  The self-entrancement style of arousal is centred on relaxing your body and being receptive and responsive to touch.  Systematic and stylized touch is utilized, usually with one's eyes closed, as the person takes a passive role and focuses on receiving stimulation from the other person.  Role enactment arousal is the least common style.  It is focused on the external, and can involve role play, variety, experimentation, and unpredictability.  Rather than intimacy or pleasure, the focus is on eroticism.  Sexual toys or erotic videos, playing out erotic scenarios, or having sex in new places could be involved.

 

With long-term partners, there can often be a need for some mystery, experimentation, and excitement.  Safety and security are important, but they are only part of the picture for a satisfying sexual life.  Sex is a balance of pleasure, self-acceptance, partner intimacy, energizing your relationship, and personal and relational satisfaction.  Taking some new risks together in a safe way can enhance the relationship, as well as boost the self-esteem of both people involved.

 

For example, if there is sexual boredom due to familiarity, why not try out fantasy or play?  Although sexual arousal is not solely dependent on variety and freshness, different venues can open up new and delightful ways of relating to your partner.  Take a trip with your partner to a sex shop and find out what each of you is drawn towards.  Use the four-letter word for sex: TALK.  Think back to the stories, novels, films, music, or art that you have found romantic or arousing.  Infuse your relationship with some of the eroticism from these resources through sharing, playing, and acting out scenarios.  Keep in mind that you can go at your own pace, and that each step you take together can increase your intimacy and broaden your sexual life together.  Most importantly, keep it fun!

 

Suzanne Welstead

August 2010